I’ve been a bit quiet on here. The last month I tried to concentrate on studying, trying to create the best future I can for my impending arrival.
I also put myself back into the hell hole I was in before. I opened myself up to be hurt, in the exact same way I was before. I put my trust and faith into love back into his reach. He took it. Wrung it out for everything it was worth. And left me hurt, cutting the pain from my body, no better then I ever was before.
I had gained everything. I was strong. I was independent. I was learning how to be happy. And now I have to start that process all over again. But I guess that doesn’t matter. At least this time I knew sooner. I didn’t let it get to the extreme it did before.
I guess at first, I saw the changes I wanted to see. I saw him become more interested in the baby and get a job. All good signs at first. He seemed to care again about me, about the baby. But really he was using me as an easy money machine. He knew I’d help him if he pretended to care. And I did. So once again I’m left with nothing, but empty pockets and a heavy heart.
I saw his false promises as all my dreams come true. I should have known better then to believe them. On closer look, nothing had changed. Last night he woke me up to go through my phone. Found nothing. Hounded me to tell him what’s on my mind. I caved, told him about my fears about being pregnant. Things you can’t say to people because people will think your a bad parent. It was hard to tell him. I cried my way through it and got the reply of ‘goodnight’. Apparently what was on my mind wasn’t good enough for him. So despite my obvious pain and distress at having to tell him my greatest fears I got nothing.
Upon finding chats sites and snapchats to other girls on his phone tonight it’s no wonder he’s so paranoid about my phone. It’s just a shame I have better things to do with my time then message other guys pictures and suggestive messages. But apparently it’s my fault, because it’s so hard to be with me again.
So that gives him the excuse to do exactly what broke me to begin with. He invited me to stay at his house, then didn’t bother to spend any time with me, told me to go to bed when I dared suggest that this behaviour mirrored the situation we were in before and didn’t bother to come to bed until 5 am. Sweet way to spend one of my 2 nights off per week.
How did I fall for this all again? I wanted to see the best in someone. I wanted to see the change I believed was possible. Now I just realise that nothing can change that. It’s not me. I did change. My life was good. I escaped finally. Only to be dragged back down. But I know I don’t want to be here in his room, alone, cutting my life into little bits to make the pain go away. I’m better then that.